Cracked Albion
by sweettartslover
Summary: A story of love, adventure and- Oh no, wait, it's just crack. PURE CRACK. Try it, don't let my terrible summary stop you.
1. Chapter 1

Act 1

The Beginning

(The setting is a shabby apartment, obviously owned by a bachelor)

Ben Finn: (Sitting in front of his computer with a bored expression, looking at nude pictures of David Hasselhoff on Google images. Suddenly there's a knock at the door, he stands and opens the door.)

Reaver: (Standing in the doorway dressed in only a speedo.) Pizza? (He holds up a pizza box.)

Ben Finn: I...I didn't order any pizza...Why are you dressed in a speedo? It's like 20 degrees outside!

Reaver: Well i wouldn't be able to fit in it if it wasn't 20 degrees.

Ben Finn: What?

Reaver: What?

Ben Finn: ...

Reaver: Pizza?

Ben Finn: Um...Sure?

Reaver: Cool, (walks in the apartment) I'll get the candles out. Do you like red or white wine?

Ben Finn: (Closes the door) I'll take white- WAIT. Wine? Why in Avo's name is there wine-

Reaver: (drops the pizza box on the floor and turns to Ben) I simply cannot contain myself any longer. TAKE ME MY LOVER! (leaps at Ben with the passion of something very passionate. Starts undoing Ben's belt.)

Ben Finn: What the fu- No! (tries to wriggle away)

Reaver: (freezes suddenly) You're right! We should use protection! (reaches in speedo and pulls out a condom, continues undoing Ben's belt,) We don't want any little ones running around now do we?

Ben Finn: Oh gods! RAPE!

Reaver: Oooh~ Role-playing are we? (Makes a kissy face at Ben) I can do that~

Ben Finn: (Panicking) Why is there a strange man in my house, wearing a speedo trying to rape me?

Reaver: (Sexy growl) To hell with condoms! HAVE MY MAN BABIES! (rips Ben's belt off)

Ben Finn: (screams in a surprisingly girly manner)

Reaver: YES! Scream with joy my love!

Ben Finn: NO! I need an adult!

Reaver: You're yelling more than I expected. Aww, this must be your first time. Don't worry my muffin, I'll be gentle~

Ben Finn: No. No! NO NO NO!

Reaver: (cocks an eyebrow and smirks) Oh, so you want it rough? I'm more than willing to oblige.

Ben Finn: I don't want it at all!

Reaver: (growls again) More role-play? I LOVE it! I've heard stories of people with rape fetishes but i had no idea you were one of them my darling! This is a fantastic development in our relationship! Now let me just get this off...(starts tugging at his speedo)

Ben Finn: (shrill screams) No! I don't even know who you are!

Reaver: (blinks) Oh don't be silly my darling! I've brought you your pizza for two months now!

Ben Finn: I've only ordered pizza two times in the past year!

Reaver: See? We've already known each other for so long! Now take off your pants.

Ben Finn: (still screaming)

Reaver: (rips speedo off)

Ben Finn: ( Falls silent with a look of shock and awe)

Reaver: YES! BASK in the glory of my manhood!

Ben Finn: What the hell is this? Some shitty pornography?

Reaver: NO! THIS IS LOVE!

Ben Finn: I HATE YOU. GO AWAY.

Reaver: YOU CANNOT IGNORE MY GIRTH ANY LONGER MY LOVE! (Tackles Ben to the floor)

Ben Finn: (girlish scream)

(All goes dark)

-END ACT 1-


	2. Chapter 2

Act 2

The Pregnancy

(The setting is two weeks later, the same shabby apartment)

Ben Finn: (In the apartments small bathroom, suddenly stumbles out) Oh Avo...Oh no...(holding a home pregnancy test in his hand which is shaking) I'm...I'm pregnant with Reaver's child!

Reaver: (suddenly bursts in through a side door) Did i hear my sex bunny calling my name?

Ben Finn: (screams) Ah! How long have you been in my closet?

Reaver: Two weeks. You may want to shampoo the carpet in there. Also i put up some posters, i hope you like David Hasselhoff. Now, why were you calling my name? Ready for another round of "role-playing?"

Ben Finn: No! I'm somehow pregnant!

Reaver: (dramatic gasp) You've been cheating on me? How could you!

Ben Finn: Don't be stupid! It's clearly yours.

Reaver: Oh. (thinks about it) How is this even physically possible?

Ben Finn: Hey, you did a lot of things to me that i didn't know were physically possible, so don't yell at me!

Reaver: By Avo...I'm going to be a father!

Ben Finn: (looks sick) How am i suppose to feed them? I don't have...(looks down at his chest)

Reaver: (muttering to himself) I'm going to have to buy plenty of leather belts. Kids are awfully stubborn.

Ben Finn: I don't even have a job! I've been making money collecting cans from the side of the road!

Reaver: I'm going to have to call Barry, i know how he loves kids. Maybe he can help...

Ben Finn: (seems to come to a sudden realization, panicked look) WERE ARE THEY GOING TO COME OUT?

Reaver: Hu? Oh, i suppose i should take you to a doctor. Get you checked out and all.

(all goes dark, when the lights come back Reaver and Ben Finn are sitting in a cramped doctors office, suddenly the door swings open and hits Ben in the knee, Logan walks in.)

Logan: Whoopsies! Sorry about that. Hi! I'm the Pregnant-Man Doctor, so you're a Pregnant man?

Ben Finn: Would I be here if I wasn't?

Logan: Oh my, mood swings. (writes something down on his clipboard)

Reaver: Honey, don't yell at the doctor. He's only doing his job. (puts his arm around Ben)

Ben Finn: (makes and angry growl noise)

Logan: Hm, Anxiousness as well. (writes more)

Reaver: Don't worry dearest, you'll be just fine. (Pats Ben's leg)

Ben Finn: I swear to Avo if you don't get your hand off m leg, I'll shove it so far up your-

Logan: Ok then! I think someone needs a tranquilizer! (Pulls out a huge needle and jabs it in Ben's neck.)

Ben Finn: What the hell was- (passes out)

( All goes dark again, when the lights come back the setting has setting is now a room with padding on the walls floor and ceiling.)

Ben Finn: (groans and looks around)

Reaver: (dry-humping Ben's leg) Oh hi.

Ben Finn: AH!

Reaver: (stops and gets off) Sorry, couldn't control myself.

Ben Finn: What is this place? Were am I?

Reaver: You're in a hospital for pregnant men.

Ben Finn: There's enough cases of male pregnancy for them to build a HOSPITAL?

Reaver: Oh no, it's just this one room...In my basement...sorry about the rats.

Ben Finn: (looks frightened)

Reaver: Don't worry! Our babies will be perfectly safe! The doctor said we could even continue our "role-play" if we wanted to.

Ben Finn: That wasn't role-play! It was rape!

Reaver: ... Well, you can't say that you didn't enjoy it.

Ben Finn: That may be true but-Wait, no. No! NO NO NO!

Reaver: (hurt pout)

Ben Finn: Wait, babies. Plural? We're having TWO?

Reaver: A little higher.

Ben Finn: (looking frightened) THREE?

Reaver: You're getting warmer.

Ben Finn: JUST TELL ME.

Reaver: Twenty-five.

Ben Finn: (begins to hyperventilate)

Reaver: Now now, don't panic.

Ben Finn: My stomach isn't even that- (looks down to see that his stomach has swollen to the size of a beach-ball in the short time he was asleep) OH AVO!

(Lights go out)

-END ACT 2-


	3. Chapter 3

Act 3

The Birth

( iFifteen months have passes since act 2, the scene is now the trashed living room of Finn/b is laying on his back on a large couch, his stomach has grown to the size of four large beach-balls/i)

bBen Finn/b: I...Can't...Move...

bReaver/b: (suddenly pops in the room holding a steaming plate of mac n' cheese.) Hello my pregnant sex bunny! How are we feeling today?

bBen Finn/b: I feel like shit! My back hurts, my stomach is queasy, my eyes sting and my ankles are still sore from were you broke them to make sure i wouldn't run away. Not that i could with this gargantuon stomach. And is that store brand mac n' cheese? I told you i only like Kraft brand!

bReaver/b: Sorry dear, that was the only kind that Bernard had!

bBen Finn/b: ...Bernard?

bReaver/b: He's the hobo i buy our groceries from. He lives in the alley behind our house.

bBen Finn/b: ...A hobo?

bReaver/b: Yeah. Oh right! The doctor called while i was washing the blood stains out from our sheets. He said that you're dangerously overdue and your stomach will pop if i don't cut you open as soon as possible.

bBen Finn/b: "pop?" "cut?" Those are just figures of speech right?

bReaver/b: Yes...Actually no. (holds up a knife)

bBen Finn/b: (screams)

bReaver/b: Don't you worry now! I'll make sure our children come out all nice and safe. They'll be pretty enough to sell to the pedophiles!

bBen Finn/b: Don't you touch me with that!

bReaver/b: Now's not the time to be roleplaying dear! We have to get your stomach open before you-

(he is intterupted by a loud "POP!" noise as Bens stomach pops open from the belly button. A warm glow fills the room emminating from his belly. Suddenly 25 little babies crawl out of the opening and gather on the couch. They sparkle in the light as they begin licking the birthing fluids off of thier bodies. Once they finish they crawl to Ben and latch onto his chest with thier sharp milk-teeth.)

bReaver/b: Aw, bless em. They'll be perfect for the local pedophiles.

bBen Finn/b: OW! No! (tries to push the babies away from his chest) Those don't work!

bReaver/b: Aw, they're feeding. How cute.

bBen Finn/b: They're not feeding, they're leaving hickies on my torso!

bReaver/b: Much like myself, that's just how they say that they love you.

bBen Finn/b: OW! They're biting me!

bReaver/b: Well they can't get by on skin alone. They have to feed on blood. Didn't you read that book i stole for you? "Rasing Man-Babies 101?"

bBen Finn/b: No. It had...something...all over it. It was all sticky. Were did you steal it from?

bReaver/b: Bernard.

bBen Finn/b: You stole a parentling book from a hobo?

bReaver/b: At the time, it seemed like a good idea.

bBen Finn/b: How could stealing a parenting book from a hobo seem like a good idea?

bReaver/b: Well i was broke.

bBen Finn/b: I thought you always kept 200 gold on hand?

bReaver/b: I do, but i had spent it on the radioactive goo i enjected into your womb.

bBen Finn/b: WHAT?

bReaver/b: Yeah, Anyway. He was sleepng in the gutter with a dead chicken and i noticed the bok in his lap. I thought it was relevent so i just picked it up and walked off.

bBen Finn/b: ...

bReaver/b: Want a Poptart?

bBen Finn/b: What kind?

bReaver/b: The best kind! Blueeberry!

bBen Finn/b: Son of a-

bReaver/b: Hey! Not around the kids!

bBen Finn/b: I think i'm going to be sick.

bReaver/b: Really? I thought morning sickness would of worn off by now.

bBen Finn/b: Pretty sure it's from the large wound in my now deflated belly and loss of blood.

bReaver/b: Hm, you're right. Let's get you to the hospital.

bBen Finn/b:I can't walk. My ankles are still broken.

bReaver/b: Yeah, from when i sweeped you off your feet~

bBen Finn/b: ...

bReaver/b: Sorry.

bBen Finn/b: I can't go out with these...monsters anyway. And we can't leave them here alone. They might eat the cat.

bReaver/b: Hm...I have an idea!

bBen Finn/b: It doesn't involve more whipped cream does it? I can't look at a can of the stuff without wincing.

bReaver/b: No no, just shoe boxes. We can put the kids in there.

bBen Finn/b: And how will we explain my...injuries to the hospital?

bReaver/b: Car crash. They always fall for that one.

bBen Finn/b: ...You've done this before?

bReaver/b: I'll get the boxes! (leaves and soon returns with 16 shoe boxes)

bBen Finn/b: Why do you have so many?

bReaver/b: Shoes get ruined a lot when you're breaking ankles.

bBen Finn/b: Oh...wait. How-

bReaver/b: Time to go!

bBen Finn/b: But what about the boxes?

bReaver/b: No time, you're turning colors from blood loss. (sweeps Ben into his arms and runs out the door, leaving the babies sleeping in a pile on the couch.)

(ilights go out/i)

-END ACT 3-


	4. Chapter 4

A ct 4  
>Healing<p>

(_The setting is a small hospital room, __**Ben Finn**__ lays on the bed passed out, stitches are running across his belly and casts are on his ankles. __**Reaver**__ is sitting in a chair next to the bed watching a Spanish soap opera on television_)

**Ben Finn**: (groans and opens his eyes) Wha...what...

**Reaver**: (perks up right-away and turns off the television and turns to Ben) Hello my darling! How are we feeling?

**Ben Finn**: (rubs his eyes) Like I've been raped by a landmine, what happened? When did we get to a hospital?

**Reaver**: Oh we were in a car crash.

**Ben Finn**: Car crash? Do you even own a car?

**Reaver**: Several actually, not that it's relevant, none of the cars were mine. We were walking anyway.

**Ben Finn**: (stares at him blankly) ...What? How does that work?

**Reaver**: Well see, you MAY have passed out on our way to the hospital. After that i MAY have gotten over excited and thrown you down in the middle of the street to ravish you like a drunken Arourian prostitute. This all MAY have led to you getting hit by a semi.

**Ben Finn**: Wha- How- Then why didn't you get hit?

**Reaver**: Well of course I jumped out of the way silly. YOU just lied there like a lemon.

**Ben Finn**: I WAS PASSED OUT.

**Reaver**: Hmm, good point.

**Ben Finn**: You just left me in the street to be hit by a semi? I CARRIED YOUR DEVIL SPAWN

**Reaver**: In retrospect it might have been a little bit selfish.

**Ben Finn**: You son of a-

(suddenly the door slams open, hitting Ben in the leg, jarring his cast, Logan steps in.)

**Logan**: Whoopsies. Morning, or afternoon you two. I can't be bothered to remember which one it is honestly. How are we feeling today?

**Ben Finn**: (Through gritted teeth) Like i've been raped by a landmine.

**Logan**: ...Is that some sort of pet nick-name thing you two have going on? Because i really don't-

**Ben Finn**: NO. It's NOT. I feel like someone has shoved two or three landmines up my ass and let them detonate all at the same time! THAT is how i'm FEELING today.

**Reaver**: You're such a spitfire darling.~ (reaches over to hold Ben's hand)

**Ben Finn**: (hisses and pulls away) DO NOT TOUCH ME.

**Logan**: Well i suppose it's expected after such an extensive surgery. Things get shifted around in there a bit while we're sewing you up. It's no surprise you're a bit sore.

**Ben Finn**: And my ass? Did you doctors just HAPPEN to ram a submarine up there while you were "sewing me up?" Because i haven't felt this much pain since last March when they did free drink night at "The cock in the crown!"

**Logan**: Uh, no. We're short on submarines at the moment, and besides, it wouldn't be physically possible for your-

**Ben Finn**: PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE? I just carried devil spawn around in my NON-EXISTENT WOMB only for them to BURST out of my stomach! Do NOT tell ME that something is physically possible.

**Reaver**: Dear, i think you're getting a bit cranky. Perhaps you need a nap...

**Ben Finn**: OH NO. YOU listen here. I am NOTHING to you. I am not your DEAR, your SPIT-FIRE, or your "LITTLE SEX LLAMA." I am TIRED of you!

**Reaver**: (Dramatic gasp) What are you saying? You...you're leaving me?

**Ben Finn**: YES. I am bloody-well leaving you!

**Reaver**: (lip quivers) HOW COULD YOU? After all i've DONE for you! WAITED on you hand and foot, brought you mac n' cheese and poptarts-

**Ben Finn**: THE WRONG KIND. Kraft is the only brand i'll eat! and Blueberry poptarts are an abomination!

**Reaver**: (gasps) I DON'T KNOW YOU ANYMORE! (storms out of the room)

**Logan**: (long awkward pause) Well...that was-

**Ben Finn**: NOT. ANOTHER. WORD.

**Logan**: ...m'kay.

**Ben Finn**: Bring me my things! I'm leaving this hospital, and i'm leaving this nightmare behind me!

(lights go out, end of act)


End file.
